Some Speed Dating DO's

Your Dating Diva Dishes

Saturday

February 17, 2007

Do remember what happens at speed dating stays at speed dating. Have I got your attention? Don't worry, speed dating is not about to be confused with Las Vegas. But sometimes adults who are reserved feel a little foolish participating in ice breaker exercises and games. These games are meant as a fun way to get strangers to relax. No one is going to judge you or have fun at your expense. Also, don't let the thought of someone "scoring" you intimidate you. When some one records their meeting with you on their scorecard, they only indicate whether or not they'd like to follow up with you at a later date. They do NOT critique, rank or score you. There is no grading involved. Either a couple hits it off or not. There is no such thing as a perfect score because no one is prefect for everyone!  So when you check-in and we give you a little "social assignment" that will enable you to casually interact with other daters, don't panic. We will never ask you to do anything illegal, immoral or irreverent. - Well, maybe a little of the last one. A little self-irreverence can be fun because it's healthy to laugh at oneself. Remember, you are not alone in this. We all feel a little foolish with the concept at first.

Friday

February 16, 2007

Do remember to flash a wide smile.  It may be trite but it's true - a smile can open doors. Especially at a social event like speed dating, it's natural and common for participants to be a little nervous. One way to calm both yourself and persons with whom you meet one-on-one in your matches, is to let loose your bravest widest smile. Science has proven that when you smile as well as when you laugh that it releases endorphins and makes you feel better. So, even if you and the person you're meeting are nervous, those nerves will calm down at least a notch or two once you smile. When you smile, it also can light up your eyes and face. Plus a smile is so universal that it can communicate even when words cannot.

 Thursday

February 15, 2007

Do be engaging.  The term engage has many meanings. Oddly enough, in this instance, the one definition that we are NOT talking about is betrothals. There are still so many positive ways in which one can engage another. Can you think of someone whom when you first met them didn't seem especially remarkable? But within only a few moments you became swept up into their spell!  Some people can be so compelling , charming or engrossing that they are a little like Pied Pipers enticing us in ways that we didn't expect. Sometimes you can really make being the the "sleeper" versus the suave guy work for you. Imagine how surprised and delighted people will be when your personality and fun emerge and you're not as conservative or plain as you look. When no one is expecting big things from you, you can turn that to your advantage. While the assets of Mr or Ms Great Body or Good Looks are obvious, you and your charms can catch them unaware.  Always try to have something to do or say which is so "engaging" that it immediately breaks the ice.

Wednesday

February 14, 2007

Do try to establish some common ground. It is natural for humans to feel more at ease with people who are more like themselves than different. Considering this, one approach to breaking the ice is to try to establish a basis of commonality between yourself and someone you've just met. Always be on the look out for clues. Maybe the person is wearing something that indicates an area of interest or expertise. Pick up on business cards on briefcases or luggage.  Jewelry, fashions and fashion accessories can sometimes offer clues. Practice when you're in places and situations where there are lots of opportunities to people watch. Beyond the obvious places like malls and parks, try this in places where there can be a real range of people. Sporting events, airports, flea markets, carnivals and tourists areas are a few places which come to mind. When you get really good at this, start looking for the not so obvious until you become skilled at discerning these clues. Each time you pick up on a clue, try to think of how you might be able to turn it into a conversation opener. Then give it a shot in low key situations at first. Initially, you may find this less threatening to begin with other members of your own sex. Then as you become more skilled and confident, look for low pressure opportunities with members of the opposite sex.

Tuesday

February 13, 2007

Do consider using flattery as an opener.  Let's face it, flattery is hard to resist - especially when it's sincere or novel. A word of caution here is to be careful not to use too much of a good thing. If your flattery goes the route of "over the top," it'll probably result in creating a major turn-off instead of a turn-on. If you're not experienced in giving complements, start with baby steps. Consider something sincere even if you think it is obvious. You'd be surprised how many really attractive people don't get complements because people hesitate to complement them. They assume that these attractive folks get so many complements that they'd just be restating the obvious. But statistics show that people with exceptional looks don't receive anywhere near to the complements people assume they do.

If you hesitate to complement someone because you think that it won't be taken seriously, try focusing on a single feature or trait you find attractive about them.  Perhaps, they have gorgeous blue eyes, they have a great phone voice or they're a really smart dresser.  Another approach might be to share with them a well known personality or celebrity of whom they remind you. Just be careful to keep those comparisons on a positive note. Telling someone that they remind you of a particular movie star is one thing. But telling them they remind you of a political figure, cartoon or comedy figure might not go over so well.

Monday

February 12, 2007

Do work with what you've got.  There's an old adage in sales which simply states "Sell what you got." Start by taking a personal inventory. What is there about you or is there in your life or in the lives of others at the event that is - funny, frustrating, strange, exotic, mysterious, etc.?  For example, we know that humor breaks down barriers. What is something funny that has happened lately either to you or someone you know? Is there something obvious about your current state that you could leverage into a conversation opener. For example, do you have an obvious injury that while it is not funny, might be funny or compelling in the retelling about how it happened?  I once met a woman at a barbeque that a date had brought me to. The woman was in two casts from just below her knees down. How had she gotten this way? "I got hit by a train" was her excuse. Talk about a conversation opener! As soon as she said that and everyone realized that she wasn't kidding, believe me, she had our attention.  

Sunday

February 11, 2007

Jan 28 -

Feb 3, 2007

 Saturday

February 3, 2007

Friday

February 2, 2007

Do keep your eyes wide open at your first meeting. Once you arrive at the agreed meeting place, if the other person is not in the exact location where they stated that they would be, continue to wait for them there unless you feel unsafe. That is important because should the other person encounter a delay and call ahead there, whoever they send to find you (restaurant host, for example) may not be able to find you otherwise. If you wait for 15 minutes and the other party has not shown nor called, try to phone them. If they cannot be reached and fail to show, beyond a half hour, my advice is to leave. In this day of cell phones, there is simply no excuse not to notify someone when you're running late.

Once you both meet, in your initial meeting pay close attention to little things that may actually be very telling. If mention is routinely made of one or more "ex"es, that may signal that this person is not fully ready to move on. If they ask you questions which by their personal nature and tone make you feel uncomfortable, tell this person that they are out of line and begin suggesting that you need to conclude your meeting. If things have taken this turn, try not to let them pin you down about a future meeting. Tell them that you'll need to follow up with them at some future point. A word of warning, honesty is not always the best policy. Some people are easily offended. Others may be unstable. If things have not been going well, your goal is to create the greatest amount of distance between you and them as fast as possible. Once you have done that you can let some time lapse and eventually communicate via email or phone - though you may NOT want to be the initiator. At a later time, you may be in a better position to tell them that you're can't meet with them again.

Should you return, as many people do, to attend another of our speed dating events a few months later and upon arriving you see anyone among your fellow speed daters whom you've met before and prefer not to meet again, please tell the host of the event.

Thursday

February 1, 2007

Do take time to plan the logistics of a meeting beforehand. Before you go out alone to any one-on-one meeting with someone whom you do not know well, make a plan and stick to it.  Agree to meet in a well lit open public place where there'll be others nearby. Do not agree for one of you to provide transportation for the other. Plan to bring a cell phone which is programmed with the phone numbers of your emergency contacts and have the number of the person whom you're meeting handy. Tell someone like a relative or friend about your plans and write down the details of the meeting in a datebook or on a calendar. Bring along some emergency cash including change so that even if you cannot make a cell call, you can still call for help. No matter who has asked whom out, be prepared to pay for both tabs if necessary. Sometimes, stuff happens.

Be sure to get the particulars regarding the meeting - the date, time, place and exactly where you'll meet. It doesn't hurt to describe yourself generally and mention what outwear you'll be wearing. You might think that describing yourself seems unnecessary because this is not a blind date. However, even if you've been to the speed dating event very recently, you'll have met at least 7-10 people that night. Even if someone has an excellent memory, it can't hurt to refresh it. It could save you both a lot of embarrassment. 

If you're driving, make sure you have plenty of gas - especially if you're driving any distance and /or in unfamiliar turf. If you aren't familiar with the area that you'll be traveling to, get specific directions and write them down. If you don't have onboard navigation, consider consulting one  of the online mapping systems available via your computer. Some people swear by them. Others find that they do not always route you efficiently.  It's also a wise idea to bring a spare ignition key especially if you might have to valet park your vehicle. Better to leave a parking attendant an ignition key rather than your entire key ring.

Remember to pack your auto club card for road emergencies. Be prepared for the weather you may encounter while traveling. If it's during a time of year with storms with snow and ice, be sure to pack the auto accessories necessary to deal with a weather emergency. If you don't know what things to pack, motor clubs like AAA can be good sources of this information. If foul weather is predicted and you are not experienced driving under the conditions predicted, it is better to postpone your plans and reschedule rather than risk putting yourself in harm's way. For example, you do not want to be so intimidated by weather conditions that you compromise your safety by agreeing to an offer to drive you home. Nor do you want to be in a situation where in shunning such an offer of assistance, you must compromise your safety behind the wheel. Neither situation is desirable.

Wednesday

January  31, 2007

Do remember that strangers should be strange. If any of you ever saw the film , Funny Girl, starring Barbra Streisand and Omar Shariff, you might recall this scene. In the film, there is a scene in which suitor Nicky Arnstein, comedienne Fanny Brice's wanna-be beau, visits her home and meets her mother and her neighborhood gal friends. The circle of her mother's card playing friends are quick to accept (professional gambler) Arnstein. But Fanny's wary mother warns them "A stranger should be strange." That's pretty profound and commonsense advice.  Sometimes we forget that it is a natural instinct for us to be on one's guard with someone who is unknown to us. That's a healthy kind of strange. The process of becoming acquainted enables you to further determine whether the stranger is indeed "strange" in the dangerously peculiar way.

Once you and another you meet at a speed dating event have "matched" in the sense that you each agree to exchange very basic contact information, you open the door to the possibility of becoming acquainted. A "match" does not mean that anyone is obligated to you. Each of you has only expressed an interest. That interest is an opportunity for you to begin the process of getting to know someone. A good first step is to make contact via email or phone. We recommend that you use a "free" type email service like yahoo or hotmail - not your business or regular personal email address. That way in the event that things sour, you are not as  vulnerable. Also, try not to use your home phone. FYI,  if you ever need to use your home phone, there are ways to "block" your number when calling another party. I think one dials *66 and then the number you're dialing. But please double check that with a local telco rep before using the service in case the service has changed.

If once you've "chatted" either online or on the phone and you determine that you'd like to meet again in person, make plans for a short very public meeting. Some suggestions would be to meet for coffee or breakfast. Both those options are inexpensive investment in terms of time and money. If that goes well, then go with progressively longer visits.  

Tuesday

Jan 30, 2007

Do speak up.  If you feel threatened by or concerned about someone's behavior at one of our events, please bring it to our attention or that of the host site's management staff. There are usually few problems because few problem individuals are willing to cough up the price of admission to attend one of our events. Let's face it. If you're a "weirdo," you can behave that way elsewhere for free. Or, if you're looking for more "action," you can patronize more "adult" environments.

To discourage "freeloaders" (those individuals, including non-singles,  who like to  just show up where and when one of our events is  taking place), we purposefully do not identify our host sites in our calendar. Once an event has sufficient registrants to take place, we email all the particulars to them - including the host site and directions. We do that for several reasons. We feel that it's unfair for our paid participants to be subjected to these folks. On several levels, freeloaders are obviously not willing to play by the same rules as our registrants. They're not willing to put their money where their mouth is. Nor are they willing to abide by our conventions and rules put in place for your safety. Our events are typically situated apart from the public bar area and have food and drink service brought to us. With the exception of potty breaks, our group typically remains together. You can help to ensure your safety by not allowing their intrusion. Remember, freeloaders are not in this for anyone but themselves. Don't become their unwitting victim. Many speed daters tell us that they generally dislike the bar scene. They find speed dating a great alternative because they're able to network with like minded singles.

 Monday

Jan 29, 2007

Do follow our few simple rules.

In order to keep the environment low-pressure, comfortable and safe, participants must observe the following:

1. Be respectful of yourself and others. You may NOT ask anyone for or give out contact information including a last name, phone number, email, address, or employer (not even a business card).

2. You may may NOT ask anyone out on a date. You may not ask any sexually explicit questions nor say or do (including gestures) anything that may be interpreted as being threatening or sexual harassing.

3. You must represent yourself in an honest manner.

Sunday

Jan 28, 2007

Do think and practice Safety First. It never ceases to amaze me how quick some people, particularly women, are to hand off their safety and well-being to another. At a time in our society when women are are freer than ever to become the master of their own fates personally and professionally, many seem incredibly naive in this respect. Last month, Consumer Reports featured an article in which they rated online dating services. An abbreviated form of the article also appeared in many newspapers where they run as a syndicated column. When this appeared in the major newspaper in my metropolitan area, it came off as such an endorsement for True.com based upon True's claim of "background" checks, that I felt compelled to respond. I wrote a letter to the editor of that newspaper as well as to Consumer Reports. Even though A Match Made in 7 is not an online dating service, we had to consider many of the same issues in establishing our business. My letter was somewhat hampered by a word limitation set by the paper. But I think you'll still get the gist. While I may have many clients and sincerely aim to provide each and every one of you with a safe and secure social environment, you only have one client - you!  Never do anything that compromises your personal safety. The best defense is still a good offense.

Here is my letter as it appeared in the Worcester Telegram:

I’m concerned that Consumer Reports (CR) in their recent article, Romance.com - CR’s Guide to Online Dating Sites may be misleading the single public about the protection afforded them by True.com. CR made much of True’s policy of screening each  applicant’s criminal and marital records. However, on True’s own site, within the fine print of their boast “We screen for marrieds & felons,” is also their admission “Our criminal background screening … cannot catch every criminal. This is why background screening is simply the first step …” They further admit that many jurisdictions limit access to such data. Let me add, that many jurisdictions, my own state Massachusetts included, offer data that is not up to date. Sadly, this state’s sex offender registry is one such blaring example.

While such checks are desirable, for many dating services they are unrealistic in light of the timeline and expense associated with them. The “true” reality is that such checks may give a false sense of security by lulling singles into dangerously thinking that because someone else (i.e. True) is looking out for them, they don’t have to look out for themselves. Such checks do NOT really protect them against the harsh realities that daily dominate our news. No one can predict when the neighborhood “nice guy” will suddenly awaken to become his evil twin.  

Singles must accept that dating safety is ultimately their own responsibility. No dating service, online or otherwise, can ensure your absolute safety. To believe otherwise is dangerously naïve. Date defensively. 

Jan 21-27,2007

This Week's Theme: What's not to like?

 Saturday

Jan 27, 2007

Here are some things which women have shared that they do not like in men.

• Hair- Obvious comb-overs in order to disguise balding, badly fitted hairpieces, hair too long and dated , extreme hairstyles - too punk or too old, uncombed
• Facial hair - beards and / or mustaches in general, five o'clock shadow, not groomed, multi-colored, patchy
• Nails - dirty, rough or chapped hands
• Clothing - too loose, slovenly, too casual, underdressed
• Behaviors - talking with mouthful, lack of control over bodily functions like belching & farting, picking teeth, inappropriate social behavior, allowing cell phone or other electronic interruptions, mentioning former girlfriend or spouse, lacking personal & professional goals, being negative, cheap, not being open-minded
• Speech - crude, cursing, swearing, negative, boasting, bigoted

 Friday

Jan 26, 2007

Here are some things which men have shared that they do not like in women.

• Hair- Untouchable, over processed or bleached, roots showing, badly colored, extreme styling
• Nails - dirty, chipped or peeling polish
• Clothing - too revealing, too tight, not appropriate for the planned activity, overdressed
• Behaviors - talking with mouthful, loud obnoxious laughing, fidgeting, load gum chewing & smacking, allowing cell phone or other electronic interruptions, mentioning former boyfriend or spouse, lacking goals
• Speech - Potty mouth, cursing, swearing, negative

Thursday

Jan 25, 2007

Do remember that conversation is an art. Conversation is an art. However, speed dating raises that bar to a new level. It's a little bit like what Ginger Rogers said of her having to do everything Fred Astaire did - only backwards. In addition to all the things that you need to do to be a good conversationalist, to get the most out of your matches, you'll also need to do it all much faster than normal. Rather than focus on content here, let's focus on delivery. On other days the daily speed-dating-tip has addressed being aware of one's speaking voice. So let's pick up where that left off. When you're in a large room with a lot of people talking, it can get pretty noisy pretty fast. Try to speak clearly and loud enough to be heard without shouting. Avoid loud obvious laughter. Some people find this to be a problem after a drink or when they are nervous. If you're one of those people, do some upbeat self talk enroute to the event so you can avoid that scene.

The better you can organize your information and questions the better. If you need to, bring a cheat sheet or an index card to use during your matches. Try to be mindful of the time because seven minutes goes quickly. Even though we've built in little crutches into our system to help you, ultimately, it's your decision how to use your time. Just be sure to that your "matching partner" has a chance to speak too. 

Something else that you may find helps to hear the other person one-on-one is to draw nearer and / or to make good eye contact. Being animated and changing the tone and pace of your speech can also help to make a point or to keep your listener's interest. A really good technique is to use a picture or to illustrate a point. One picture is worth a thousand words, right?  Drawing something out for someone is very engaging. Another way to reinforce a point is to lightly touch the other person's shoulder or forearm. But the number one way to engage an audience is with humor. It's a proven fact. So if you are blessed with a good sense of humor, let it shine! People consider humor a real asset and find it very attractive.

Conversely, the number one turn-off that we hear again and again is the distraction of cell phones and other electronics. It seems that there are a lot of self-important people out there. We all like to think that we're important. But believe me, if you initiate or accept phone calls from a cell phone while you're at a dating event, no one is going to be impressed. They'll be annoyed. We strongly suggest that you either leave your cell phone in your vehicle or turn it off before you enter the event. Please keep your cell phone off throughout the event until we conclude for the evening.  

Wednesday

 Jan 24, 2007

Do bring your best table manners. One of the things that is the undoing of many people is their table manners. The term "table manners" covers the whole spectrum of eating situations. It's a pity that so many people are so ill-at-ease with eating in public that they avoid eating altogether at events. That's a shame because breaking bread together is one of the most universally social things we humans do. At our speed dating events, we serve refreshments at a casual buffet. A meal setting of this type should be pretty low on the pressure scale. Here a few pointers.

The first convention to observe is to look to see whether the buffet is set up to move people along both sides of the buffet table simultaneously. That is important because in most cases, one of the reasons why a buffet style service has been selected is to enable a lot of people to be served quickly. So do your part and step to whichever side of the table can most easily accommodate you. Always use whatever serving utensils are provided. If none is provided for a particular food item, in selecting your serving, touch only what you intend to take. Do not handle multiple pieces before making a selection. Try not to mound a pile of food on your plate. Keep the volume down to the point where it barely covers the surface. It's better to return to the buffet once you finish what you have.

If you linger near a bowl of dip, do not be so gauche as to "double dip." One dunk into the bowl per dipping implement, please. No one wants to see someone take a bite of dip and then return what remains of their dipper back into the bowl of dip for a second dunking. The food we serve is mostly appetizers and depending upon the food style of our host, some is finger food. If you find it easier to forgo a fork and eat some items with your bare hands, be sure that you use a napkin to wipe fingers. Finger lickin' good it may be. But licking your fingers is a no-no. If you're trying to manage both a plate and drink, you may find it best to temporarily place your drink down nearby so that you can more easily manage the food.  And, if you remember nothing else from this dating-do, keep your mouth closed when you chew and do NOT speak with food in your mouth. Both of those issues are cited by men and women alike as being a major turn-off.

Tuesday

 Jan 23, 2007

Do remember your manners! Isn't strange how ill-mannered people never seem to pick up on the good manners of others? But well mannered people always notice when someone practices bad manners. This is another one of those areas where money, good lucks or education don't confer the quality upon you. Nor does a humble background deny you this asset. Good manners are learned. If you're lucky, manners were instilled into your social behavior starting with when your were taught to ask for a cookie with a "please" and "thank you." Usually if one parent was raised in a well-mannered household, they become insistent that their children be likewise. Good manners are an asset in social as well as professional settings. The right manners can help open a lot of doors. Likewise, awful manners can close the door on many opportunities. And, the worst of it is that you'll probably never be the wiser as to what occurred. Once you reach adulthood, rarely will someone point out to you that you have atrocious manners. Why? Because they have better manners them to embarrass you. How's that for a real  quandary?

If you're a business professional, do yourself a favor and invest in a book on business etiquette. It may not acquaint you with how to handle international relations. But it will provide you with guidance on most American conventions. Not every company sends their executives to business etiquette classes. But that doesn't mean that they'll expect any less of you in this area. If you're not a professional, consider investing in a book on basic etiquette. Sometimes situations come up that require an appropriate response. So, it's good to have a reference to consult. If you were not raised by parents who instilled good manners into you, then it is critical that you also purchase AND read a book on basic etiquette. 

For our purposes, I'll stick to the sort of situations that may arise at one of our speed dating events or any first date setting. Some of the social situations you'll be facing are the following:

• Introductions - You'll introduce yourself to others at the event

• Buffet eating - You'll select appetizers from a buffet and eat them while standing and socializing

• Conversation - You'll converse with another and be expected to reveal something about yourself

Introductions: For our purposes, we'll limit our focus today to you being able to introduce yourself - first name only, please! When you state your first name, speak it clearly. If it is an unusual name, say it slowly. Make eye contact and extend your right hand to shake hands. Once your palm meets the other person's, clasp and solidly squeeze their hand. Try to avoid placing just your finger tips into their palm. (That's considered very wimpy.)  A  good solid handshake is a real asset. Ladies, this is true for you too - particularly if you are in the business world. Gone are the days when a gentleman had to wait to offer his hand until a lady extended hers. That is considered very passe. Another situation that you may one day encounter is that the person whom you're meeting is unable to shake "right" hands. Perhaps, they have a medical or physical limitation. In that case, offer them your left hand. You might be surprised at the warm reaction you'll get from them because often they have not been accommodated and have felt left out.

But isn't that the point of manners? It's knowing what to do in a social situation to put the other person at ease. It goes without saying that while you're doing all of this you should be smiling.

Should things go well enough at one of your matches and progress to the point when you introduce your new acquaintance to family, beforehand do your homework and brush up on formal introductions. A good etiquette book will do a complete rundown on whom gets presented to whom. Here's a little hint - A general rule of thumb though is that it's a matter of rank whether organizationally or socially. For a simple example, in introducing your date to your parents, you address your parents first. (Ex. Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my friend..."

In the next days we'll address the areas of Buffet eating and Conversation.

Monday

 Jan 22,2007

Do you open mouth insert foot?  Have you ever really listened to your speech pattern? It can be a real eye opener to tape yourself and play it back. There's a TV commercial that shows two friends driving along and chatting. Before they are hit broadside, the passenger asks his friend, who is having lady problems, if he'd ever thought about NOT saying "ya know"  all the time. Until we actually hear ourselves or someone like a public speaking instructor enlightens us, most of us are unaware of a repetitive or poor speech pattern. If your recording reveals frequent insertions of "um," "ya know," "cool," etc., take stock and become proactive about their elimination.

Many people are also unaware of the very negative impression routine swearing and cursing makes on others. If your language is habitually crude and vulgar or openly reveals strong prejudices, it can leave others with the impression that you are unrefined, uneducated and a bigot. It's shocking how many well educated professionals make this mistake. No one ever succeeds in making themselves look better by belittling  someone else. Eventually, people do consider the source. "Potty" mouth whether you're a man or woman can compromise your ambitions - socially as well as professionally. Tricks that some people use to keep them on their best behavior is to consider that their grandmother is listening or that a potential date might think them too much of an embarrassment to introduce to family or friends. If your speech style could possibly set you back socially, try to address it before you attend an event like speed dating where you're trying to make favorable first impressions.

Sunday

 Jan 21,2007

Do like George. It's amazing how often I'm haunted by a favorite expression that a former buddy routinely used on his younger brother and best friend. After they'd pull off another of their bonehead behaviors, he'd admonish them with, "You know, you've got a lot of class - LOW class." In a way though, they were lucky. At times he was only chiding them. But at other times he was simply stating the obvious - even though they might not have been aware of it. It was an opportunity for them to identify and change an undesirable behavior. Most of us are oblivious to the impression we make on others. And, in today's society it seems that there is no shortage of individuals truly lacking in class. If you've ever had the opportunity to take an etiquette, professional sales training, public speaking or (what used to be called) a "finishing" course, consider yourself fortunate. It can be a real eye opener about the image you unconsciously project to the world.

Within the framework of this week's theme, we'll explore some of the common social stumbling blocks and what you can do to address them if they're an issue for you. Having good socials graces can carry you along way. They don't come with education, money, good looks or success. But being skilled in them can often help surmount deficiencies in all those areas. An outstanding example I learned of recently was the father of our country, George Washington.  Washington was not born wealthy or socially prominent. He was a surveyor by trade and didn't make a lot of money. But he was very ambitious. When he was a young man he acquired a then well known book which taught how to properly conduct oneself in 18th century society. It became his social bible and helped him to rise in social rank by acquiring the proper social skills. Eventually he married Martha a wealthy and socially prominent widow. Most of us know of his stature as a Revolutionary War general and his ascension to the Presidency. But few of us know of the challenges that he faced as the first president. Much of his success in that area was owing to his diplomacy. If you have an opportunity to view the segment on George Washington of the PBS series The Presidents, you'll gain even more respect for this man. His is an inspiring story and one that each of us can emulate in this regard.

Jan 14-20, 2007

This Week's Theme: First thing's first.

Saturday

 Jan 20, 2007

Try to  avoid asking questions that are too deep or philosophical. Also questions too general are best avoided. The more you focus the better. Try not to monopolize the conversation. Aim to pique the curiosity of your "date." That way, whether or not you have to opportunity to socialize  later at the event, you'll have set the stage.

Also, unlike some speed dating businesses, we don't subscribe to the more is better theory. What's the point of making twenty-five 3 minute connections? Would you rather have your speed dating experience be one big blur? Or, would you rather make a few genuine connections in your one-on-one matching and make a few others on your own during breaks and open social time? That's why we try to balance our formal matching time with breaks, group activities and open social time before and after the event.  While your one-on-one match time is important, it will not be the only opportunity that you'll have to meet and match with others. 

Friday

 Jan 19, 2007

• Are you a jokester? Tell a quick & maybe silly joke. (Keep it clean & not offensive.) Even something child-like like a corny knock-knock joke might be just the thing to put a new acquaintance at ease.
• Do you have a favorite hobby or past-time that you can project either in its end result or by wearing a piece of theme-related jewelry? Ex. If you knit, you might wear a sweater you knit or wear a pin with a knitting theme. A gentleman with a pet dog might wear a tie with a purebred breed  or just a general dog theme. 
• Are you a member of a fraternal organization (like Masons, Knights of Columbus, etc.) with an official symbol that is well known and that you could wear as jewelry? How about a pullover sweater (NOT a sweatshirt, please)  or tie with an alumni theme of your alma mater?
• Do you love chocolate? Offer a Hershey's "Kiss" to your new friends!
• Do you make a fabulous chocolate chip cookie? Offer one zip lock sealed (FYI, it's illegal to bring food from off-premise into a restaurant.) to each  new "date" and include a little reminder message inside.
• Are you a proud new pet parent or godparent? Bring along a "brag" photo to share with each new "match."

There are lots and lots of possibilities. If you give this some thought, you'll be amazed at what you can come up with. Good luck!

Thursday

 Jan 18, 2007

Once dressed take a look at yourself in a full length mirror. Check for loose threads and lint. Is a hem hanging? Has a seam given? If you don't have time to repair, can you pin it unnoticeably from the inside with a safety pin? Give your outfit a once over with a clothing brush - especially if you're a dog or cat owner. If you're headed to the speed dating event straight from work, a quick substitute is to wrap a couple rounds of tape - sticky side out - around your hand and pat this over linty areas. 

Look down. What shape are your shoes in? Many people take big cues about someone from their shoes. What do your shoes say about you? Are they clean and well cared for? Different footwear materials require different  upkeep. Quality shoes are an investment. In my early years as a professional rep for one of the largest computer companies, I invested what seemed to be an inordinate amount in a pair of Bally shoes. Even on sale at Nordstrom, they set me back. But every time I wore them they made me feel incredible because they were gorgeous, high end and the most comfortable 3 inch high heels I ever wore. They also lasted longer than any other shoes I owned because their quality was such that they could be reheeled and resoled.

Are you a jewelry wearer? Most people at least wear a watch. And, many of us tend to wear a favored watch everyday. What shape is your watch in? It's easy to overlook things like a watchband that needs replacing or just the daily buildup of grime that you acquire if you wear it when you do chores. Maybe attending the speed dating event is just the occasion for digging out a special occasion or novelty watch. Are you an earring wearer? Be sure to have a pair on because they naturally attract attention to your face. If you're a bracelet wearer, go with the adage that less is more.  Wearing more than one bracelet together can create distracting noise.  If you have particularly attractive hands, wearing a bracelet or ring can call attention to this asset. However, when it comes to rings, just avoid wearing any ring on the left ring finger. It doesn't matter how unlike a wedding-ring it may be. Any ring worn there makes another single uneasy. You want to give people with whom you're matched the impression that you're available and open to new prospects. After all, isn't that what the event is all about? Lastly, take a long look at the volume and quality of jewelry you're wearing. Most of us can use some jewelry as it enhances our look. But too much is too much and can be distracting. Better to wear one conversation starting (hint! hint!) and memorable (hint! hint!) piece of jewelry than to empty out your jewelry box.

Wednesday

 Jan 17, 2007

Many people favor black because they consider it dressy, dramatic and foolproof. But one can quickly become lost in a sea of black because so many others also gravitate to it. Also, as one ages and looses some skin and hair pigment, black can become draining. Consider alternatives like dark gray or brown. Or, wear a more flattering color nearer to your face and the black as a bottom. A few months ago, More magazine's "What to Wear for the Rest of Your Life," column had a great article about recognizing that as we age and our coloring changes so too should our color choices. It offered some practical advice as well as concrete examples of more flattering color options. Also, something that costs you nothing is to take a walk through a favorite clothing store and just be inspired by the colors. Then take an inspiring walk through your own closet. Take a cue from retailers and professional dressers and arrange your closet by color. It can be amazing what "gold" you can discover there. Aim for something that is a flattering color. One hint is if you have to use a lot of make-up or other color near your face, then that color is not maybe as flattering as another color might be for you. Also learn whether your coloring is warm or cool and gravitate to those ranges within a color.

Make sure your clothes fit and that they flatter your body type. There's a difference between clothes that fit well and clothes that don't. That might seem silly to anyone who hasn't ever tuned into an episode of "What Not to Wear." Clothes that fit your body do not fit so tight that they create bulges or that you're falling out of them. If you're overweight that creates an unflattering sausage effect. If you're skinny, it makes you look even skinnier. Clothes that fit are not so large that they engulf your body. That can make someone with a small frame look even smaller. If you have a bulge here or there, it is desirable to wear something that has length or room enough to accommodate it. - Just don't go for the tent look. Identifying and accepting your body type can go along way to finding clothes that flatter it. One gal I worked with was petite but she never seemed as tiny as she actually was because she learned the secret of monochromatic dressing. She cultivated a head-to-toe same color look which seemed to elongate her body. It became her trademark and was very flattering. This can also be a very fashionable and safe look for men who maybe don't have a strong fashion sense. The first step in having good taste is learning what is "good taste" (flattering) for you!

 Tuesday

 Jan16, 2007

Do what you can to achieve your crowning glory. When you're speed dating, most of the time you'll be seated at a table across from potential matches. That means that your face and upper body are going to be most in view. So, make sure that when you're up close and personal like that, you're confident that you're all that you can be. Major areas of concern should be your hair, face including make-up, teeth and smile, breath, fragrance, jewelry, and clothing covering your upper body. See January 10 for an entry regarding fragrance and yesterday for overall grooming suggestions. Here are some additional hints regarding hair that you may find helpful.

"Your hair is your crowning glory" may sound old-fashioned, but a really great head of hair is tough to beat. Make sure yours is clean and shiny. Even if Mother Nature was remiss, there are so many product options today, that no one needs to feel deprived. Always use a shampoo and conditioner designed for your hair type. If you don't know which type your is, ask your hair stylist. Respect that chemically processed hair should be treated with care and use a deep conditioner on it at least once per week. If you'd like to add some special shine for the evening, try one of the silicone shine products. But use it sparingly to avoid a greasy look or feel.

If your hair is thinning or has bald spots, think about getting some professional help. The simplest route is to consult a hair stylist. You might be surprised to learn how much the right hair style can minimize things. Another option is to ask a  dermatologist. There are many medical options some that are prescription and others that are over-the-counter. Consider consulting a nutritionist. While that won't address hereditary baldness, the right nutrition can go a long way toward improving things. Ladies, what about a hairpiece or wig?  Either can really be glamorous. If wearing a wig, be sure that its color is flattering. If using a hairpiece, be sure that it's well matched to your own hair. Gentlemen, in recent years the shaved head has become a popular way for men to cope with baldness. But be forewarned that to carry this look off requires a well shaped head and a commitment to maintain the look by regularly shaving your head. Hair pieces can also be a good option if they are expertly fitted and you can manage them. The same issues (as for the ladies) regarding matching of the hairpiece's color to your own apply. Also, a hat may be an option. However, please be aware that even though many guys seem to be lacking hat etiquette, this might be one night when you should exercise your manners. A gentleman removes his hat when he enters a building.

Regarding hair coloring, the majority of women and many men now color their hair whether to enhance their natural color or to cover gray. It's always best to consult a professional, first. There are many options regarding color - some which are high maintenance and others which are not. Before you exercise a color option, make sure that you fully understand what you are committing to. The right color choice can be a real enhancer. The wrong color choice can be disastrous, take a long time and lots of money to correct and may make you self-conscious while it grows out.  If you're covering gray, the best rule to follow is to go up one to two shades - meaning lighter. What many people trying to cover gray fail to realize is that as you mature one loses hair and skin pigment. You drab out a bit overall. That means that a darker color which you once naturally had, will no longer work. In fact, it ends up making you look even paler. To offset natural drabbing, go with warmer tones to put a little color in your face. And, if you're a do-it-yourselfer, read the label. Once hair has been chemically processed ( whether bleached, colored, permed or straightened ) it responds differently to future chemical treatments and sun exposure. Noticeable roots, be they dark or gray, are never becoming. And, no matter how tempting, never, never experiment the day of a speed dating event.  We all know that Murphy's Law often prevails and that when things go wrong, they tend to do so at the worst possible time. You'll have enough to think about that day without having to cope with a hair disaster.

 Monday

 Jan 15, 2007

Do it because the rest of us have to look at you. This week we focus on the basics. For some of you these ideas may seem so obvious that they're hardly worth mentioning. But if it spares you one unpleasant date, it's worth one day's posting here. First, there is no excuse for poor grooming. Good grooming is an essential part of living a healthy life and critical to making good social and professional connections. Not everyone can be a fashion plate but everyone can and should be well groomed. No matter what physical demands your work may make of you, if you expect to have any social life, you and your clothes must be fresh, neat and clean before you step out to socialize. Be freshly showered (or bathed), teeth brushed, hair styled, nails clean and filed, clothes clean and pressed, and shoes clean and polished. Fragrance is an option; deodorant is not (an option). Hand cream, especially in winter, is suggested. Ladies, if you wear painted nails, make sure that they're not chipped and avoid extreme (punk) colors like navy, black, etc.

If you haven't had a new hair style in the past 5 years, you're long overdue - that goes for you fellas too! If the person who cuts your hair is not creative, stop & ask people whose hair you admire, who does their hair and whether you may call their stylist and use them for a reference. Most people are flattered and so is their stylist (which helps when you call to book an appointment). Ladies, if you're still stuck in your high school or college hair and/or make-up - Snap out of it! - Nothing will date you more. Go to a first class department store make-up counter and have a make-over. Some salons also offer this service. Typically there is no charge for the service. But it is customary to buy some product. One way to make your dollar go further is to look for those counters with promotions or giveaways with a minimum purchase. Next, while you're still made up, head to a make-up counter at a discount or drug store and purchase the rest of what you'll need to achieve the look (while you're still wearing it). Gentlemen, if you're clean shaven, shave (no five o'clock shadows, please!) If you wear a beard or mustache, make sure it's trimmed and that it doesn't interfere with your ability to eat neatly. If you have issues with nasal or ear hair, please ask your barber or stylist to trim it. Or, consider a specialty razor made for this purpose.

Why, you ask, do you have to go through all of this?  When the children (Prince Albert and Princesses Caroline and Stephanie) of the late Princess Grace of Monaco were young and gave her a hard time about having to dress up and look presentable, she is reported to have told them - "Why? Because the rest of us have to look at you!"

Sunday

 Jan 14, 2007

Do decide what your goals are for the event. Even though attending a speed dating event is about meeting new people, everyone has their own idea about what that means to them. What are your goals for the evening?  It' s important to establish some goals because that will help guide your preparation, participation and follow-up. Do you just aim to get circulating again? Are you looking for something light like occasional dates or something serious and long term? Would you be open to a friendship centered around a common interest - like a sport or hobby? How far are you willing to travel for a relationship? Thinking about this beforehand can help inspire topics of conversations and questions. And ultimately, it may help you to select your "matches" - those with whom you'd like to follow-up.

January 7-13, 2007

This Week's Theme: Come to your senses.

Saturday

 Jan13, 2007

Do learn to trust your sixth sense! Call it gut. Call it intuition. But whatever you do, learn to call upon it. Sometimes we don't even know why we sense what we do about a situation or another person. Often there's simply no rational explanation. But most of us have learned that it is usually in our best interest to trust this type of instinct. Think of the people in your life who've revealed things like how they knew as soon as they met their future spouse that they were the one. Perhaps, it was a parent who knew that something was wrong with their child even though they were separated from them. Maybe you've been steered out of harm's way by an instinct. Life has so many little twists and turns that put us on a given path that leads to places and coincidences that we could never have imagined or planned. So learn to tune in to your gut. Everything that you're meant to hear is not with your ears. If the little voice inside you says "go for it," you go! But if it says to you, "hmmm, I don't feel so good about this one," then pass. Trust that something better lies ahead for you.

Friday

 Jan 12, 2007

Do you know the power of touch? Touch is one of those subjects that's just touchy. For all beings touch is a strong sense because it can evoke emotion. Psychologists have proven that, as humans, we all need to be touched. We all know people who are "touchers."  Typically, they are the folks who pass out bear hugs. But they can also be the folks that understand the power of a gentle pat or stroke at a poignant moment. Some folks are simply not "touchers" by nature and may be uncomfortable being touched by someone they do not know. Much of this is influenced by the culture in which one is raised or lives. Be mindful of this as you meet others for the first time. In our culture, there are some social customs that present the opportunity for even strangers to touch. One is the handshake. Whether in a social or business setting, gone are the days when a gentleman had to wait for a lady to extend her hand before offering his. Women are so integrated into the business world that it is customary even among women to shake hands. And, if you don't know how to properly shake hands, reference a basic job interview guide. A good handshake is a powerful asset.

Thursday

 Jan 11, 2007

Do try a taste. One might wonder what the sense of taste could possibly have to do with making and forming first impressions at a dating event. After all, we're not talking about taste in fashion here. As anyone who's ever lost their sense of taste due to a bad head cold will tell you, taste is actually closely related to one's sense of smell. At each A Match Made in 7 speed dating event, we serve light refreshments. While we try to be mindful of various dietary preferences when making our menu selections, our menus generally reflect the food style of our host site. That means that our menus include a range of foods including some items or presentations which may be new to you. Dining settings can tell someone a lot about a person - whether in a social or business environment. Your table manners (or lack there of) , your food preferences, your willingness (or not) to try new things, your alcoholic consumption, etc. all can be telling. And, given the taste to smell connection, after refreshments you might consider a breath freshener before we begin the remaining matches. 

Wednesday

 Jan 10, 2007

(Fee, fi, fo, fum,) do I smell ...? Smell is probably one of the more overlooked but telling senses. Think for a moment about what smells may tell others about you. If you and your clothes don't smell fresh and clean, people may think that you lack basic hygiene and grooming. If your perfume arrives before you do or is either very sweet or heady, people may think you lack class. 'Ever hear the term "cheap perfume?" Even an expensive fragrance can fall into that category if you use too much of it. Fragrance should be no stronger than can be sensed by someone up close to you. When fragrance is worn in this manner, it's more likely to have the effect of creating an aura because another must be in your personal space in order to experience it. So, it becomes something more intimate and alluring. Also, it's good to be aware that many people are sensitive to fragrance because of allergies. Sometimes less truly is more.

Tuesday

 Jan 9, 2007

Do you hear what I hear? Some people are very sensitive to sound stimulus. Often, these people can find loud noisy places very stressful. The sound of your voice can be either a turn on or turn off. Try to listen to and become more aware of your voice. Are you sensitive about a regional or ethnic accent which you have?  Do you swallow your words?  When you're nervous do you tend to speak faster, softer, louder or in a higher pitch?  How do you sound on the phone? One way to find out is to record yourself on voicemail or an answering machine. Sometimes just slowing down your speech helps. Also, lowering your tone an octave can help. Do you know someone whom you think has a good speaking voice? Emulate them! That's what Cary Grant did and look at how accomplished he became. Another very compelling technique is to speak in a soft voice that requires your listener to draw closer to you. Men who met the late Jackie O marveled at her ability to do this. 

Monday

 Jan 8, 2007

Do you see "eye-to-eye?" Many people are visual and react to sight stimuli - like light, color and action. So one way to attract their attention might be to wear a bright vivid color, preferably one which is flattering to you. But did you ever consider that even your words can be stimulating to someone who's a "visual?" For example, they might react more positively to you saying "I see what you mean!" rather than "I know what you're saying."

Sunday

 Jan 7, 2007

Do use "sense." As living beings we have five senses (- some say six). When you attend a live "in-person" event like speed dating versus using internet dating or personals ads, you have a distinct advantage. You have the opportunity to stimulate all the senses of others there. Be aware that different people respond differently to the same stimulus. For example, some people are primarily visual; some are auditory. You may be neither. This means that each of us needs to extend ourself a little in order to determine in which sense another is dominant. One approach might be each time you interact with someone, try using a different stimulus .

January 1-6, 2007

This Week's Theme: Live in the moment.

Saturday

 Jan 6, 2007

Do play. Before the actual matching rounds begin, there'll be some ice breaker type games. Not only are they a great way to meet your fellow speed daters, they offer a chance to "play" and relax a little before those initial match rounds begin. Relax, have fun and in the process you'll be showing us one of your most attractive sides. To many people, one's ability to have fun and a good sense of humor are important assets. Others will look forward to their matches with you. So even if you're not usually a joiner, it's important to try to make an effort to play and participate!

Friday

 Jan 5, 2007

Do be positive. It's pretty exciting to attend a speed dating event. Everyone at the event is focusing all their energy on one thing - meeting a special someone. You're all pulling in the same direction! What could be more positive than that?  

Thursday

 Jan 4, 2007

Do be patient.  Expect the first few rounds of mini-dates to be a little awkward. This is a new experience for most participants. Have patience with yourself and those with whom you're paired. Even if a "mini-date" does not seem to be going well, it'll be over faster than you can imagine. Each of these "dates" is mean to be only a "snapshot."  No one at the speed dating event is going to monopolize your evening.

Wednesday

 Jan 3, 2007

Do be accepting of chemistry. One of the real advantages speed dating offers compared to meeting people over the internet or through personal ads is that a couple's first exposure to one another is live and in person. Sometimes real chemistry does happen. For many people chemistry is important. So, if it happens to you, don't be blind-sided. Recognize and welcome it. (Then did a little deeper to see what else there is.)

Tuesday

 Jan 2, 2007

Do focus on the opportunity at hand. As you begin each round of mini-dates, remember to stay focused. Don't dwell on how things went in the last dating round or whom you'll pair with next. You can't change the past, you can only impact the present. Give the person opposite you your full attention. You each only have a few moments together. Make the most of it! Save any effort to "catch up or regroup" for break time.

Monday

 Jan 1, 2007   

Do give yourselves credit.  You've arrived at the speed dating event. As you look around the room you begin to wonder if you have anything in common with your fellow daters. Take a deep breath and find comfort in the knowledge that your goals are very much in keeping with those of the others here. By your very presence at this event, each of you is doing something positive about your desire to expand your social contacts, meet new friends and open yourself to the possibilities.